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Seal safety concerns
A recent outbreak of "seal" (Sea Lion) misbehavior has caused some concern among kayakers. A kayaker was molested with no harm to the paddler and a surfer was bitten, requiring stitches. I proposed limited hunting to put these critters back in their place, but no one seemed to agree. Consensus is that we're going to continue to prohibit hunting them, so we're just going to have to learn to live with them.
I've lost the argument about how to handle seals and sea lions so I won't be needing that harpoon I was making in the garage.
Kayaking is dangerous, and usually when we encounter a problem we learn some lessons, write some e-mails, and undertake some training to minimize the danger. I don't see why this should be any different.
It used to be that if you knew how to seal launch and seal land, you were doing well. These recent incidents have now raised the bar. I propose some new exercises....
Seal brace (try to make this work):
You have heard of the slap brace, the sculling brace, and the static brace, but what about the seal brace? It goes like this: A large seal is doing his best to capsize your kayak. He is biting bow, stern, and any paddle blade that gets within reach. The standard braces now take on new meaning. The seal slap brace is when you "slap" the seal on top of his head while simultaneously doing a head dink. The seal provides adequate support, so the head dink really just says: "I got ya bud". The seal sculling brace allows you to repeatedly whack the seal in the nose (remember the three stooges). Watch your blade angle for this one. Finally, the seal static brace is when you and the seal are just too tired to continue with the exercise. The seal floats buoyantly while you rest your paddle blade on him, thus supporting yourself in the roughest conditions.
Seal rolling (advanced maneuver):
Sometimes seal bracing fails, even for the best paddlers. Then it's time for the seal roll. By now that seal is mad, you've slapped him on the head, you've whacked him in the nose, and then you rested your humongous weight on him with that static seal brace. He rests for a minute, then takes you down. No problem, you know how to roll. You have a practice roll, and a reliable combat roll, but how is your seal roll? Remember that seal is mad. While you're under, he latches onto your ear with his teeth and won't let go. He could bite your head off completely, but he doesn't want to kill you, he just wants to humble you
Remember what you learned in rolling school: "If the head comes up, the boat doesn't". We all know that is a lie though because we have all managed to roll up while lifting our heads. It's hard, and sometimes causes popping sounds in our shoulders, but it can work. Now the rule is different. If your instructor were there (he's not because he's too smart for that) he would say: "if the head comes up the ear doesn't". Unlike the other rule, this one is always true. Of course, you have an offside roll, so when you loose one ear, you just switch sides. If you loose the other ear, the seal grabs your neck and....You've missed you're seal roll for good.
Seal rescue (it's pitiful, but it's all you have left):
You've wet exited because your seal roll stinks and you only had two ears. Your paddling partner has finished critiquing your roll and telling you off, and finally has your boat drained. You're ready to pull yourself up onto the back deck when that seal grabs the bottom of your farmer john and holds you in the water. You can't just pull away, because even though you are over weight by 50 pounds the seal still weighs twice as much. If you hit him, he'll remove your foot with one bite and have it for lunch. The only solution is to give him a fish, thus occupying that mouth full of teeth with something not connected to you. Seals are smart, but also have a good sense of smell, they always drop stinky neoprene in favor of the fish. Fitting the fish in your PFD which is already stuffed with flares, knives, and chocolate bars is a real challenge, but at least that can be done on land. The key difficulty is to pull this fish from your PFD without releasing your paddle or your boat, and then giving it to the seal without loosing your hand. If you loose your paddle or boat you are considered to have failed the drill, however, if you only loose your hand you may switch hands and continue with the drill. If you loose both hands you have failed the exercise. This takes practice & determination so it is the focal point of the training.
I think we should practice these things once a month starting in calm conditions and then working our way up to force 6 seas. I'm counting on you seal lovers to line us up some of your friends (real seals) to participate in the practice. Please tell them not to bite too hard.
